ANGER MANAGEMENT FOR YOUNG CHILDREN
Feel free to download, print, and redistribute.Typically, children direct their aggressive behaviors toward other children more often than toward adults. Children display their anger inappropriately because they do not have good coping strategies. Children do not understand how situations or actions can evoke angry feelings.
Something triggers a reaction in the child and they do not know how to respond. Young children are not yet intellectually able to correctly label emotions and to respond in a socially desired manner. They get physical (i.e., pushing, hitting, biting, kicking and screaming) because their language has not yet fully developed and they react with inborn responses.
As children grow, understanding the typical behaviors associated with each developmental stage is helpful to parents. Although these stages do not match every child perfectly, as they do not take into account individual temperament or environmental factors, they can be useful guidelines to follow.
A two year old child: Two-year-olds have difficulty making decisions. They want to know everything. "Why?" becomes the two-year-old's ultimate question. During this stage of development there continues to be little, if any, sharing. By two and a half, children start to display intense and often violent emotions. They want everything, especially what they cannot have. Children at this stage express strong feelings for what they desire and will do whatever they need to in order to obtain the desired object.
A three year old child: The child at three starts feeling more independent and more comfortable sharing with other children. At the same time, the three-year-old frequently feels scared in new situations and as a result strives for control again. Their assertiveness is shown through verbal threats, such as: "You are stupid" or "I hate you."
A four year old child: At four a child will do anything if provoked. Kicking, spitting and even running away is often seen when the child does not get his way. While they need boundaries, the four-year-old enjoys pushing the limits. Verbal aggressiveness increases with four-year-old children by more name-calling.
A five year old child: Five-year-old children want to be "good" and would rather stay with what is comfortable than try new things. Children at this age often exhibit some tantrums and sulking when they become upset.
A six year-old child: When you are around a six-year-old, you never know what will happen because they rarely make up their mind. The six-year-old is striving for independence and displays an intense need to be first and the best. This causes much anxiety for them. They also want to have everyone's attention. They become verbally and physically aggressive and use such phrases as: "Make me" or "No, I'm not going to do it." By teasing and bullying, the six-year-old can be very loud and bossy.
A seven year old child: Seven-year-old children tend to withdraw when things become difficult and to look inward at themselves. They start thinking about the world around them. Worry becomes a major preoccupation, and they show increased concern with what is fair versus what is unfair.
An eight year old child: The eight-year-old child is inquisitive--interested in everything that is going on. Friction and jealousy frequently arise among siblings because children at this age still want their mother's attention and will rival with siblings to get it. It is very easy to hurt the feelings of an eight-year-old.
A nine year old child: Nine-year-old children do not want to be told what to do by their parents. They resent these directions and often rebel. These children can often be found fighting, complaining, criticizing and ignoring their parents.
WHAT CAN I DO AS A PARENT?
Before you can help your children deal with their anger, you must first explore your own feelings of anger and the way in which you deal with these feelings. Children learn from observing their parents. It is important that parents be aware that their method of dealing with anger is observed and will be imitated and learned by their children. Furthermore, understanding the typical developmental behaviors of children helps parents to know which behaviors are not typical and might need looking into. Here are some things to try:
Positive reinforcement: This is a very effective method for teaching children desired behaviors because children strive for attention. Focus on your child's good behaviors, instead of focusing on their bad behaviors. Reward your child often with a small treat or special attention for every short period of time that your child behaves appropriately. Be consistent because your child needs to clearly understand what is expected of him. If you need assistance creating a behavior plan, contact your school counselor or school psychologist.
Help children understand and express feelings: When voices and tantrums become louder and louder, tell the child that you will wait until they use a calm voice. You may also validate their anger while asking what you can do to help, such as "I see that you are angry, what can I do to help?" Children may not always get what they want, but you are teaching them that their feelings matter. You also teach them that there are more acceptable ways to achieve their desired goal or to obtain a desired object without anger.
Help children learn problem solving skills: Roleplaying different solutions and teaching problem solving techniques will also be beneficial to your child because you can demonstrate positive, non-violent ways to resolve conflict.
Self talk and relaxation: By school age, positive self talk can help your child to talk himself down from an angry outburst. Self talk statements such as, "I can handle this," "I'm okay, just stay calm," etc. are useful ways to help children control their anger at times when they especially need to remain calm. Teach them relaxation techniques such as: count to 10 before taking action, or taking several deep breaths when faced with difficult or anger-provoking situations. When teaching your child new techniques, keep them developmentally appropriate.
Parents can play a positive role by helping their children deal with anger. Parents who use positive approaches and modeling techniques will enable their children to grow emotionally strong and able to deal with the difficult situations they will face in the course of everyday life.
Some children inappropriately display anger because they have not yet learned more effective coping strategies. There are other children who may become violently angry or who may display hazardous behaviors that are dangerous to themselves and others. If there is an increase in your child's anger, determine whether any significant changes have occurred which might be upsetting your child. If your child is displaying severely violent or dangerous behaviors, it is strongly recommended that you seek additional assistance from a school psychologist or a pediatrician.
Source: Reprinted from "Helping Children at Home and School" (NASP, 1998), by Beth Levy, NCSP.